There is a list of links to all of the participants to date at the end of this post. If I missed yours, please post your link in the comment section. It’s not too late, if you would still like to participate!

Not long ago I was in a conversation with someone who asked me what my secret was to being so upbeat and positive. He went on to say that I seemed so “recovered” from my departure from the pastorate and the institutional church. He used the words upbeat and healthy.

My friend’s observation and question caused me to break out in sustained, spontaneous laughter because I don’t know of another person who has struggled as long or as hard with trying to find their place after the pastorate and after church. I went on to explain something of my personal odyssey.

My departure from the pastorate was necessitated by shutting down my church six years ago. It was to be my dream, but the dream turned into nightmare. We were a small, white, rag tag, grace oriented, seeker church in an inner city, Hispanic area. We had been through major turmoil and transition that led to many of the long term members leaving.

Then we decided to move to the burbs and do a class act church-in-the box out of rented offices and a theater. ( Remember, this was back in the day and I had a very different perspective then.) A key couple stirred up negativity causing us to be unable to continue. About twenty people continued to meet in my family room for several months, but they were not the core of a new church as I understood it at that point. We decided to shut things down and contribute all of our new equipment and proceeds from selling our building to two startup churches in the area.

I thought I would take a little time off and then get another church job. So, I got a lot major home improvement projects done and then started applying to churches and had several interviews, but nothing came together. I hated the process and found that churches were looking for a superstar to fulfill their dreams.

In six years, we have been a part of four different churches, not counting the group of young adults currently meeting in our living room on Sunday evenings. (We also took a whole year off.) I became disillusioned at each stop, feeling like there was no place for me. I finally determined that I was looking for a leadership that I could trust, someplace where I could make a meaningful contribution, and a vision that I could embrace. I didn’t find it.

I became disillusioned with the institutional church and, finally, quit looking for a church job. I have been a window cleaner, a car salesman, a painter, and mostly unemployed. After twenty years as a pastor, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I hated those other jobs and tried to no avail to get into to community service work.

Now you know why I laughed at my friend who thought I had done such a beautiful job bouncing back!

Here are some of the things that I needed to go through.

• I needed to grieve and get angry because I had lost my job, my vocation, my dream, and my identity.
• I needed to let the past go, along with my addiction to the institutional church. I loved the pastorate and still am a pastor at heart.
• I needed to realize that this was not the end of the world nor the end of the line for me. I just couldn’t get out of the doldrums.
• I needed to take stock of who I am. I had been too busy meeting the expectations of others and I found this to be a very difficult thing to do.
• I needed to forge my own way. I needed to decide what I was going to devote the rest of my life to.
• I needed to work it… with a lot of prayer, faith, and determination.
• I needed a friend who understood. I found a few cool friends in the journey, but it seemed difficult to find them like they lived under the radar.

I would have loved to have had a friend walk with me who had already taken than journey and been through the tunnel, surviving to see the light at the other end. I needed someone who could understand my pain and give me a little help as I was on my way to beginning a new life.

Here is little more about my imaginay friend. Let’s call him Harvey.

• He would understand my sense of loss. I think it would have to be someone who had been through it himself.
• He would be available to me until I was well on my way to processing my grief.
• He would put me in touch with a community of people who had been through a similar experience.
• He would understand those who have lost faith in the institutional church.
• He would be in touch with those involved with experimental churches and the resources that are available to them.
• He would put me in touch with a community of those striving to birth fresh expressions of the church.
• He would stay available to me as I stumbled down this new path, riddled with doubts and a few failures.
• He would not force some preconceived package of church planting on me, but would wisely be a sounding board, asking questions, and occasionally suggesting something that would keep me out of a common pitfall.
• He would help me brainstorm about employment ideas, if my new pursuit of God’s mission did not have a paycheck attached to it.

It has been a hell of a journey, racked with unrelenting pain and loss, filled with introspection and discovery, and blessed by amazing moments of God’s presence. I wouldn’t want to go back, but the journey could have been easier and the load I was carrying could have been lightened. That is what I want to do for others now.

Dreams are good, but reality is better.

Links to all of the participants:

Aaron Monts: Why I Stayed

Alan Knox: A Revolutionary? Who? Me?

Barb: My Response

Erin Word: Are We There Yet, Papa Smurf?

Jane: Onward Christian Soldier

Jason Ellis: Why I Ended Up A Free Charismatic Southern Bapti-Methodist Nondenominational Christian Sitting In A House Church On Sunday Mornings

Jeff Greathouse: So, You Want To Change

Jeff McQuilken: The Great Shift–and My Unwitting Part In It

Jeromy Johnson: A Safe Place To Experiment

Jim Lehmer: There Is No Spoon

Jonathan Brink: Re-Emerging Church

Kathy Escobar: Surviving Spiritual Vertigo

Rainer: A Revolutionary?

Sarah: My Story of Following Him Out